Religious Crap
Yesterday I was walking home from the bank and passed by The City Church, one of those giant (well not TOO giant, this is in Belltown), pseudo-industrial style brand of Christian worship facilities. There was some kind of function going on, as the parking lot was packed and they had placed a large sandwich board out on the sidewalk that read, “Parking for City Church goers ONLY.” That sign and that parking lot were enough to make me furrow my brow and stomp a bit more huffily, but then I saw a dude and a lady come out and cross in front of me to their car. He was generic enough not to mention anymore. She was wearing a plum colored pantsuit with a high-necked blouse underneath and high heels. They weren’t spiked or terribly tall, maybe 2″, but still the sight of those heels made me furious. You may already be aware of my obsession with heeled shoes (for which I intend to eventually write an explanation/elaboration/rant, but that day is not today), maybe not. Let me summarize by saying it’s a big issue for me, and so when I saw this lady in her Sunday best coming out of a church I already scorned I met with a new revelation/declaration: NO PERSON OF GOD WOULD WEAR HIGH HEELS. I’m sure there are some gods or goddesses out there that are all about the footwear, but the Generalized God of The Book (as in the god of Islam, Judaism and Christianity) is not. Casual practitioners can pull it off fine, of course, but you can’t be righteous AND adhere to all the pettiness of fashion and self-hatred of sexism. That ain’t how modesty rolls.
Speaking of crazy religious stuff, I have decided to observe Lent this year. Never having been involved in any kind of religious anything before, this is a huge deal for me. I’ve played the spectator many times, but that hardly counts. Since I’m not actually Christian I won’t be doing most of the things you’re supposed to do, first because I don’t know what they are and secondly because I don’t want to affiliate myself with anyone/anything. So, basically it comes down to this–I’m going to give up cookies, cake, and brownies (that’s right, my beloved, sweet baked goods) for 40 days, starting this Sunday. I know everybody else started on Ash Wednesday but blah!
You may expect updates.
February 23rd, 2007 at 10:21 pm
Giving up stuff for Lent is a Catholic tradition, if I’m not mistaken. The Protestants don’t really observe it except as a countdown to Easter. But it’s main purpose is, by sacrificing your beloved baked goods, you have an opportunity for personal reflection and a closer relationship with The Big Hoohah: Hairy Thunderer, Cosmic Muffin, you decide.
So here’s another in a continuing series of chances for you and the Big MacGuffin (now with Super-Omnipotent Power!) to straighten things out and see eye to eye. As if.
February 23rd, 2007 at 10:26 pm
One more thing: lots of ladies wear their Sunday Best when attending church, and that frequently includes the heels. Please don’t fault them for trying to look hot for God.
February 24th, 2007 at 4:31 pm
My main reason for saying Christian instead of Catholic is my friend Josh’s parents. His dad’s a Protestant minister and his mom’s a. . .well, a Protestant minister’s wife. They observe Lent every year by doing a 40-day food fast by living on fancy juices and smoothies. HARDCORE, yo.
Sky Daddy remains my favorite term, but Cosmic Muffin now runs a close second. Also, if anyone has reason to be hot for God it’d have to be his sexy wives. . .er, his nuns. I happen to have a nun coworker, and I’ve never seen her wear heels: CONUNDRUM.
February 24th, 2007 at 10:16 pm
Odd. I’d always figured you as more of a Yom Kippur gal. Live and learn.
February 25th, 2007 at 3:41 pm
Both are equally valid. We live at an all-you-can-eat spiritual buffet.
February 26th, 2007 at 12:02 pm
The giving up one thing is sort of an unwritten rule of Catholicism. It’s not really formalized in any way, it’s sort of like a New Years resolution. The only other observances of Lent I can think of (besides regular church going) are friday vegetarianism (formerly every friday for Catholics, now confined to Lenten ones) and of course Holy Week services (Palm/Passion Sunday, Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and the ever popular Sodomy Saturday).
February 27th, 2007 at 9:10 pm
I don’t think baklava counts since it’s just dough and nuts and honey. Donuts count, though. And muffins. I guess a bran muffin is closer to bread than it is to cake but I’ve never liked those. I had my first craving today–for cookies, the least surprising. But it was OK. I filled up on healthy-pants foods and then it was gone.
February 28th, 2007 at 8:24 am
Doughnuts count, but dough and nuts don’t!?
March 2nd, 2007 at 12:46 am
Can Muslims drink Mead?
March 7th, 2007 at 10:08 am
Some come to “God’s House” hoping to barter so God will take it easy on them, when all the time God is just a metaphor for Life. You can’t bargain with Life. In the end you grow old and die and sometimes die painfully. No deals are made there, which is why I think so many opt out with alcohol and drugs. You don’t have to feel the chaos that is reality and how cold and calllous chaos can be.
What we really have is each other. God can’t speak, judge, teach, heal or threaten except through us. That’s why God sounds often insane and petty…and frankly stupid. We presume to think for and speak for God and (like good little car salesmen) try to barter with it so we won’t get hurt too bad .
To be with anything close to what we assume God might be, is to be in silence, to step away from little concerns and look at a total world way too big to care what sets us off or not, or whose side to be on in a war or all those other small things that mean so much to us but no one else. So you can’t cut a deal with God, you can only half ass guess at what it might be thinking or what it wants or if it even likes you.
What helps us is how we help each other get through Life, with compassion and kindness and fairness, This is how a society is made that does what God can’t do…care for the real needs of human beings, like bringing them a blanket when they’re cold, or a hot meal when they’re hungry. Everything else is masterbatory and self serving and impresses God as much as high heels at church. God is a metaphor for Life. All we have ever had, or ever will have, is each other, and THIS life, where all deals are off.
March 27th, 2007 at 4:34 pm
I don’t think “GOD” in capital letters requires you to give up something that gives you such joy, and doesn’t harm someone else. If you want to give the yum-mys up because you think it would be good/healthy for you then the more power to ya, but don’t confuse what is required with what is wanted.
Heels are silly! Some how that gets confused with sexy. How sexy can I be if I keep falling over! OK , maybe that’s a trick question.
March 30th, 2007 at 5:58 pm
Mike: the distinction doesn’t matter too much since I haven’t had any baklava anyways. I’ve decided pastries in general are on the No-list (healthy scones and croissants being the only exceptions I’ve made) and I forgot to mention that all pies are on there, too.
Beau: any God-fearing Muslim ought not to, since mead’s just another word for honeywine.
Jim and Mom: I don’t think Whatever May Exist requires much of anything. The whole point of this is that it’s a VOLUNTARY sacrifice. Obligations don’t mean diddly. <— a life theme right there!
January 7th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
God is the Cosmic Bran Muffin that keeps the universe regular !
March 20th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
There’s a weird muffin theme in this post and its comments.