A few years ago I took a cultural anthropology class where we had the extra credit option of writing poetic summaries of chapters of our main textbook, Our Kind. I feel like I’ve posted these before but I couldn’t find them when I tried to. The assignment was to phrase things in a fun way that would help schoolchildren understand the main concepts of each chapter. I took particular interest in gender and childbirth issues. If you imagine reading them aloud to kindergarteners they’re hilarious.

The Myth of the Procreative Imperative

Too many babies and too little food

If you were a parent what would you do?

Breast milk, “alternatives”, and preventive measures,

These do not hinder adults’ sexual pleasures.

It’s not fair to say just “knock it off”

Because loving each other is nothing at which to scoff!

Rivers, wet nurses, and nighttime accidents,

Are remarkable population control advents.

Wait until birth and you can choose girl or boy

And girls become women who make more kids and joy.

But when there are too many babies and too little food,

The joy that they bring is replaced by a darker mood.

How Many Children?

Everyone loves children, they sure are great,

Especially when there’s need of labor and excess real estate.

Some kids get sick, or fall in the battle race,

So parents need to have extra–just in case.

The government likes kids, too, so they give moms money

Which is good when daddies can’t afford to be her honey.

The younger the age at which kids give more than they take,

The more they are wanted because of the workload they slake!

The Hidden Cost of Machismo

When you think of a cowboy, or a tough biker dude,

Do you feel like he’s got “guts” and a cool attitude?

He might out-drink any sailor and out-match any flu,

But let me tell you ‘bout ol’ Grim Reaper’s point of view:

When you play hard-as-nails you’re not hard-to-get,

Much easier, in fact, than wimpy Great Aunt Suzette.

Because she sleeps when she’s tired,

Doesn’t stress when she’s not admired,

Goes light on red meat and says “no” to smokes,

So she’ll live much longer than those sturdy young blokes.